Truthfully, I have come to terms with the fact that I have been headed in the wrong direction for a long time. But the 'right' direction was easy, convenient, and no one got hurt. Except maybe me, but as a codependent its certainly easy to put myself at the bottom of the list. As long as everyone else is happy, why would I complain?
Especially when on the outside, every single person who views your life would see a long list of beautiful, desirable things that most people don't have, and would be jealous or at least not understand how you could not adore every second of this life. To name a few:
- Attractive husband
- Healthy and spirited daughter
- Ability to stay at home with said daughter
- Owns nice home with pool and remodeled kitchen
- Runs successful, creative online business
- Loving, supportive family
But when you end up on the wrong end of a suicide hotline on a seemingly normal Friday afternoon, it's time to take a look at your life and stop putting yourself on the bottom of the list.
So here I am -- reexamining everything. I've stopped being Jen, the one you know. I'm still Jen, I've always been Jen in some way...but instead of 30% Jen or 10% Jen, I'm trying to get to 100% Jen. All Jen, all the time.
But some people might not like it. I am going to make people uncomfortable. Some people might recoil and might not like the path I am taking, the parts of me I am choosing to explore and bring out into the light. But these parts were always there. Always. Only now I have stopped apologizing for them, I am owning them, I am loving them and I am putting it all out there.
This is me. I am trying to break away from shielding parts of me that people might find objectionable. I have always sought acceptance and love from everyone I meet, but it was making me love myself less because I wasn't being true to ME, I was adapting myself to seem likable or sweet, to get love from other people.
But now I'm on this path, I'm so excited that I can finally find me! I don't know everything about myself, and I'd like to find out as much as possible.
The world seems so much more open to me right now. I'm finally bearing my heart to the Universe, and I'm finally open to everything the Universe has to give.